We are the Knights (that’s pronounced phonetically - cuh-nig-its - as of the movie Monty Python and the Holy Grail) Who Say Cyclic, a group of High School students, all of whom attended 6thgrade at Challenger School. At Challenger, we each gained not only a respect of the English language but also the want to change the world. Our noble mission is to improve America, one step at a time – primarily by improving the U.S.’s tongue and correcting false ideas about how its government functions. To learn more, please visit our website at www.cuhnigits.org.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Story Time!

Episode Two: My Story (Still needs a real title)
After this act of defiance the gaurd halted, looking surprised and angry. Then, glancing nervously at his captain, he punched the boy square in the face. He had good reason for this decision; officers who lost face reflected badly on the control of the government, and anyone who made the government look bad in any way disappeared. This man was not one to put himself in danger over a troublemaking boy, anyway.
As the boy stumbled back, the gaurd reached for his baton. (Isn't this one of those little metal club things policemen use?) Alonzo jumped to his feet. He watched, horrified, as the man viciously struck the boy, causing to fall onto the pavement. Some of the kids from the group had started forward, but Alonzo got there first. Before he knew what he was doing, he had jumped up and grabbed onto the baton. The officer, not expecting to find the whole weight of a surprisingly heavy boy hanging from his baton, dropped it. He was quick enough to grab onto Alonzo's arm, though. As Alonzo began to struggle against his grip, he saw the other kids rushing to their fallen friend out of the corner of his eye. Thinking quickly, he slammed the baton he was holding into the stomache of the man, darting away when he let go.
As this was going on, one boy from the group had hefted his friend over his shoulder, fireman-style. They all quickly ran toward the front door, as Alonzo ducked for a side entrance he had seen behind a cart of almonds a few weeks ago. As he ran out the door, which luckily wasn't hooked up to the emergency alarm system, he glanced behind him. The officer who he had fought was following, of course, still out of breath and gasping. Surprisingly, though, none of the other men had left their posts. They stood stoically as panicking people rushed to their platforms, and didn't even move toward the front door to catch the other kids. Frowning, Alonzo ducked out the door and ran down the alley.
The End of Part Two


  1. Hurrah! Thanks for the follow-up.
    On the first paragraph:
    After this act of defiance the gaurd halted, looking surprised and angry. Then, glancing nervously at his captain, he punched the boy square in the face. (THAT PART IS A BIT UNEXPECTED - IF HE WAS JUST LOOKING SURPRISED, WOULD HE HAVE SUDDENLY ACTED SO VIOLENTLY SO QUICKLY? MAYBE ADD A TRANSITIONING SENTENCE THERE TO MAKE IT FLOW A LITTLE MORE.) He had good reason for this decision; officers who lost face (USE A SYNONYM FOR FACE EITHER HERE OR IN THE PREVIOUS SENTENCE) reflected badly on the control of the government, and anyone who made the government look bad in any way disappeared. (DISAPPEARED? I KNOW THIS IS MEANT TO BE MYSTERIOUS, BUT MAYBE MAKE IT MORE SO) This man was not one to put himself in danger (SO NOT PUNCHING HIM WOULD PUT HIM IN DANGER? MAYBE ADD SOME MORE DETAIL ON THE LAWS/EXPECTATIONS FOR AN OFFICER LIKE HIM) over a troublemaking boy, anyway.
    Basically, no major plot ideas, just some simple revisions that might help, or maybe are unnecessary, I don't know - they're just ideas. I won't be offended in the least if you choose to ignore them. =)
    Of course, this isn't the final draft anyway, so... yep, love it. You've got a great story unfolding here. How much further do you have planned out (I want to hear more!) , or is this just "let's write whatever pops into my head next?" =) Both ways are fine, just wondering.
    Still no ideas on a title yet, sorry.

  2. Thanks so much for the great ideas and suggestions!!! It is a bit of both. At my snail's pace on these, I'm a bit ahead, but not really sure of how I am going to get it where I eventually want to end up. I am also trying to decide if I want it to become a fantasy or not. Magic might be cool... Not sure yet though.

  3. Hmm. Maybe you could bring in some of the aspects of your last year's Young Author's story. The magic system you used there was quite brilliant.

  4. yes, your definition of "baton" is correct.
    Also, I like how you are getting the going, but you might want to consider this:
    Most of the books that stick with us, or that we enjoy morre than others have a unique voice. There's Series of Unfortunate Events, The Flavia de Luce books, The Book Thief it goes on and on.
    So I like it, it's very intruiging, (scary policemen) but do think about giving more voice and character, maybe even to the narrator.

  5. What do you mean "give him more voice" please?  Am I focusing too much on the action and not enough on him you mean? Thanks for the feedback.

  6. What I meant to say was that the narrator himself could use a charecter. One of the things I like in a book is when I'm reading and I can relate to the narrator. So what I meant by "voice" was how you deliver the story. What does the narrator himself(herself) think of what's happening?
    Baldr, god of giving confusing (and possably useless) advice.

  7. You know, I kind of like Baldr's idea. But to add to it... why don't you have the narrator be a character in the book, but in a subtle way so that the audience doesn't know it until the end? If that makes sense?

  8. Yes, but it would require a very active narrator, much more skill than I currently posses, and it isn't really how I want this to go. It is a cool idea, but I would rather just focus more on my viewpoint character. Speaking of which, I'm kind of mad at Alonzo right now. All the other characters are lining up in my head and telling me their personalities, but Alonzo won't let me make him a backstory or cool powers or anything yet. Grrr...
    Thanks for the comments though. They are greatly appreciated!

  9. Disliking your attitude Laga :( You have plenty of skill and talent, and you are an excellent writer. Underestimate yourself and I will have to come down there and give you a firm lecture complete with an attempt at a Russian accent and the worst possible episode of Sonny with a Chance, replaying your least favorite parts. Focusing on your character is a good idea, but experiment with other things as well, ok? :) Alonzoooo!!! Sounds like HE'S the one who needs the lecture... but for powers how about desperation? Whenever he becomes truly desperate, something (it's your choice) happens. Oh and I don't know if this will help, but I just watched an excellent anime, and Fate, who was the "antagonist" at first had an amazing backstory. See, her mother regulary abused her (whipping, etc.) and the reason she did was because she wasn't her mother's real child. Her mom had done illegal experimenting, and the result was the death of her child, Alicia. Her mom was devastated, and helped a corrupted scientist complete his experiment of cloning humans and giving the clone the former person's memories. So Fate had been the clone of Alicia, complete with the memories of the kind mother the ruthless person she knew had been. Cool, huh? It was inspiring for me. I feel like my writing has improved a lot lately, even though I haven't really been writing. ^-^ Anyway, I have an idea for Alonzo, but it's far to long to write, so call me tomorrow around eight ok? ^-^

  10. Sorry for the confusing formatting, etc. I was trying to hurry :/

  11. Laga, we would ALL love if you could post some of your revised story! Many eager critique-ers are we.

  12. Ha, just rereading this. I now totally understand what Baldr was trying to tell me... And how terrible this draft was. =P Thanks so much or all the great advice everyone! I actually have a first draft of this sitting around now, even though EVERYTHING has been changed. Anyone want to read it? (Besides Sol. She already has.) =)